September 9, 2019
I awake in darkness.
My eyelids pry themselves open, and I can practically hear the thwop! of the air-tight seal breaking, like a plunger being yanked from the cold porcelain of a freshly-unclogged toilet.
There’s a lone spotlight cutting through the opaque black of the hotel room, a stream of dazzling light traveling through the dark void. It pierces through a tiny crack in the thick, heavy curtains and draws a sharp line up the comforter before finding it’s final resting place on top of my right arm. Speckles of dust hover above, as though I’m looking up from the watery depths of a giant snow-globe, in the silent minutes after it’s been shaken.
I open and close my fist, grabbing handfuls of the cascading light, only to feel it warmly spill through my fingers each time.
I reach up in the darkness, fingers brushing the delicate skin of my own throat, wincing as my thumb grazes the swollen tissue encircling it. A grim memento of the ghastly necklace I’d donned the night before, alone in my dark hotel room.
It feels so distant now – that experience.
Like a dream.
Like waking up the morning after a magnificent party, having forgotten to remove the opulent string of pearls from the night before. The bauble seems silly now. Out of place. Much too ostentatious for the modesty of these rumpled sheets.
This tangled hair.
These puffy eyes.
But a necklace of this sort, cannot simply be unclasped and cast off to the side. There’s no removing it’s immense weight from my throat.
The setting has changed, but the ornamentation remains. It’s influence hangs heavy on my mind.
I lay there for a time, breathing in the warmth of the puffy down comforter.
I feel like one of the speckles of dust, suspended in that beam of light above me. Floating, drifting. Purposeless. Inessential. Frivolous.
But then, a tiny and unexpected spark. An idea.
It bursts into existence, suddenly. Excitedly. Like a pinprick of light in the darkness of my mind.
It’s energy is boundless. It bounces around in my skull, ricocheting off it’s bony walls with a resounding Tink!
As I follow the frenzied thought with my eyes, another spark ignites. And another, and another. They rocket vigorously into one another like ping-pong balls come alive, inside a very small box.
Tink Tink Tink
Tink Tink TiTiTiTiTinnnkkkk!!
I sit bolt upright, and run to the window, ripping the shades open urgently. Dazzling sunlight BURSTS into the room.
I look around at my freshly-illuminated environment, and feel a stunning sense of awe. Over what, I’m not really sure, but I’m overcome with acknowledgement for the intricate beauty of the world in which I find myself in.
I can practically hear the tiny muscles inside my eyes as their woven fibers loosen.
My iris slackens. Pupils dilate. Black overtakes hazel, as my body adjusts to the flood of chemicals overtaking it.
I turn towards the source of light, cascading through the open window, and watch in reverence as it splits into a pale, shimmering, rainbow. I now have the power to see the divergence of a sunbeam. The reds and greens and blues. It’s brilliant. It’s spectacular. It’s awe-inspiring.
I must not be distracted by this, however. As much as I’d like to admire this strange new power of refraction, I must remember my original intent upon opening the shades in the first place.
A pen. I need a pen. NOW.
I clamor across the carpet, tripping over the fragments of a frantically-torn cardboard box, which had housed an unassembled chin-up bar, not so long ago.
My trembling hands scramble their way across the smooth surface of the desk, casting aside a small piece of paper, with my handwriting on it. The words I’m so sorry register on the periphery of my vision, blotted with what appear to water stains. Tear stains.
I carelessly brush the note away to reveal the red sharpie underneath. Launch myself at it, flicking the cap off onto the floor.
I’m lacking paper.
But not to worry!
I reach for the gigantic binder: years-worth of carefully curated professional knowledge, organized and color-coded for quick reference.
It’s label reads ‘Julie’s CT Book’. I stick my hand inside one of the plastic sheet-covers and yank out a piece of paper, one of the many pages of the numerous peer-reviewed journal articles I’d so often referred back to in my years as a CT Tech.
I turn the page over to reveal it’s blank, unprinted side. And begin to scribble frantically.
Avocado toast with garlic, new recipe!!
Go on hike… where to? Get camping gear, will need backpack.
American Discovery Trail?
Santa Fe. Venice Beach? Get bicycle. Ride across country.
Look up bike shops. Write book?! Get hair cut. Need clothes. Learn to change tires!
I marvel at my own brilliance as idea after idea swarms over me. I’m inundated with an overwhelming sense of possibility. My future, is limitless.
How could I have EVER considered ending this beautiful existence of mine?
My life, is going to be different now.
SO very different.
Everything’s changed. Everything. I’m going to change the world. Right now. With all of this. ALL OF IT.
I write for hours, tearing my meticulous binder to shreds in the process.
I stop every so often to cry, overcome by gratitude and magnificence.
Thankful. I’m so very thankful to be ALIVE.
All the while, my ears are still ringing. The one and only constant in my beautiful, terrible existence.
Ringing. Always ringing.