** !!! Trigger Warning !!! ***
This post contains the narration and description of suicidal thoughts and acts, which could definitely be triggering for some people.
If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide, or have suicidal thoughts yourself, you may want to abstain from reading.
On the other hand, I’m sharing this very vulnerable story with you because I feel it needs to be discussed and especially because it may help others understand what exactly goes on in the mind of a severely depressed person.
Too often, I hear people wondering why and while I don’t speak for every suicidal person, I do believe the thoughts and feelings conveyed here are much more common than society would have us believe.
So whoever you are, please know that you’re not alone. And that if I managed to survive this horrific episode… there’s hope for you too.
I love you, friend. Keep fighting. For both of us.
Dew still clings to the grass below me as I crouch down over the damp lawn of the empty playground. Although it’s midday, the sky is overcast and the breeze is chilly.
I reach up with two fingers, placing them delicately on the skin of my neck. Feel the thundering of my pulse underneath. Count the repetitions. Wait patiently for the pace to slow.
I perform my final set of burpees before collapsing on the wet grass in exhaustion, flopping my head sideways to peer at the glistening dewdrops all around me.
A hint of movement catches my eye. A tiny lone ant, struggling to scale the soaring precipice of an impossibly tall blade of grass. It’s bitty legs are scrabbling maniacally up the smooth, wet surface, and a squint of the eye reveals that it’s got a crumb of food in tow. The effort seems magnanimous. I smile softly in admiration.
Such perseverance. Such a strong, abominable will to survive.
To keep living, no matter what. Whatever it takes.
But is it really something to be admired at all, this survival instinct? Is it a trait of strong character, or is it simply coded into the DNA of every living thing on this Earth?
Why do even the smallest, most insignificant beings have a compelling need to keep existing?
Why do even ANTS seem to hold their own lives so sacred?
Where do these feelings come from?
And why do I, as a human, seem to feel the exact OPPOSITE? Did God cross the wrong wires when I was created?
After all, it was less than three weeks ago that I desperately sought to snuff out that stubborn pulse, still hammering away beneath my skin.
Only three weeks ago, that I’d narrowly escaped the overwhelming compulsion to die.
An instinct – to self-destruct. An instinct I’d felt then, just as surely as this ant feels the need to live now.
September 8, 2019
A dark hotel room
It costs exactly $40.36 to die.
There are cheaper ways, of course. Obviously. But time is of the essence, and bargain-hunting isn’t really something you worry about when you’re not planning on being here tomorrow.
And I don’t.
So I splurged and purchased a fancy ‘over-the-door’ chin-up bar from Wal-mart, along with a hunting knife, and the most important material of all: a thick, nylon rope.
I’ve learned from prior experience that the rope material makes a big difference. Cheap, scratchy rope irritates the skin as it tightens, making for a rather uncomfortable affair.
Rope that is small in diameter is also undesirable, for similar reasons.
It must also be strong, obviously. But not so strong that you can’t pierce it with a knife to adjust the height.
And so I’m very particular about my rope.
I’ve chosen this one carefully.
I nod in approval as I secure my new rope around the freshly-assembled chin-up bar. This will do just fine.
Amazing really, that I managed to choose an appropriate rope-type, in my current condition.
On the outside, I look fine. Normal. Okay.
Inside, I’m burning alive.
For the past 24 hours, I’ve been absolutely engulfed by invisible flames.
Ever since I’d missed my shift at work. Since the panic attack. Since my life fell apart, for the umpteenth time.
I haven’t slept. I haven’t eaten.
I haven’t done anything but cry and shake. For 24 hours.
It’s happened before, but this time it’s worse. Inescapable. Indescribable.
So much pain. So much hurt.
It’s not just mental, either. I can feel it in my body. My skin is crawling. I feel both hot and cold at the same time. Like I’ve come down with a fever.
Goosebumps cover my body, along with a paradoxical sheen of glossy sweat. My head is throbbing and I can’t tell if it’s from the lack of sleep or the constant crying.
The nape of my neck is caked with dried blood. I tend to scratch myself there compulsively when I’m anxious. I don’t know why. But I know it stings.
I read somewhere once that a black hole is so heavy and dense that the entire mass of the Earth is smashed down into a space as small as a golf ball.
Can you imagine? A golf ball that weighs as much as Earth?
Because I’ve felt it. In my chest.
Whenever I’m in this state, my chest feels so compressed that I’d swear the weight of the Earth is resting inside it.
And just like a black hole, it gobbles up every source of light in it’s vicinity. Every twinkle of hope, every tiny spark of happiness. Nothing escapes it’s infamous Event Horizon.
It. Is. Hell.
I fight and crawl away from it, but after a time it drags me right back. It becomes too much.
I’m being crushed from within. My mind has ignited with imaginary flames, and I’m writhing in agony, alone in a dark hotel room.
I’ve fought it for so long. Years and years of torture. And now I’m so very tired. I need respite. I need to douse these flames, somehow, and the only way is through the loop in this rope.
A simple slipknot. Any boy-scout could tie it.
I scribble a quick note to the only people who have ever managed to put out my sporadic fires. I tell them I’m sorry. I want them to know how much I love them. But the flames are licking at my feet and just can’t take it anymore.
I step up to the gallows and place my head in the coil. Sink down to my knees, and feel the tight squeeze of death’s embrace. Close my eyes.
Gag, and sputter. Choke. Cough.
Soon now. So soon.
Praying that God will forgive me.
And all the while, the fire roars around me.
To be continued…